By Megan Pacheco, Executive Director of Challenge Success
Comparison is everywhere in adolescence.
Teens are constantly noticing what their peers are doing: who made the team, who got the lead in the play, who seems to be succeeding academically or socially. In many ways, this is a normal part of growing up. Adolescence is a time when young people are trying to answer big questions: Who am I? What do I care about? Where do I fit in?
Looking at others is one way they try to figure out some of those things. But one of the most important developmental tasks of adolescence is building a strong sense of self, one that isn’t constantly defined by comparison with others.
Parents can play an important role in helping teens move in that direction. The goal isn’t to eliminate comparison (that’s unrealistic), but to help teens notice when comparison shows up and learn how to think about it in healthier ways.
Start by Helping Them Notice It
Sometimes teens feel discouraged or frustrated without fully realizing that comparison is driving those feelings. Rather than trying to talk them out of it, try getting curious. You might ask questions like:
- “Who are you comparing yourself to right now?”
- “Are you comparing yourself to one person, or the whole picture?”
- “What are you using as the measuring stick?”
Simply naming the comparison can help bring it out into the open and make it easier to talk about.
Separate the Outcome from the Story
A common pattern we see with teens is turning an outcome into a statement about who they are. For example: “I didn’t make varsity” can quickly become “I’m not good enough.”
Parents can help slow that down by saying something like:
- “That’s an outcome. What story are you telling yourself about it?”
- “Can we separate the result from who you are?”
Outcomes change. Identity shouldn’t rise and fall with every result.
Shift the Metric
Many comparisons focus on rank, status, or recognition. But those aren’t the only ways to think about progress. You can help your teen consider other questions, such as:
- Are you improving?
- Did you challenge yourself?
- Is this an environment where you actually thrive?
- Does this matter to you?
When the metric shifts from status to growth, the conversation often changes.
Broaden the Definition of Success
Many of the comparisons teens make are based on fairly narrow cultural definitions of success, such as grades, test scores, or GPAs.
Parents can help widen that frame. You might ask:
- “What kind of person do you want to become?”
- “What actually matters to you long term?”
- “Whose definition of success are you using?”
These questions invite teens to think more deeply about their own values rather than simply reacting to what others are doing.
A Simple Way to Think About It
When comparison shows up, it can help to remember a simple process:
Notice it.
Name the lens.
Widen the frame.
Reconnect to growth and values.
You don’t need to fix the situation or eliminate comparison altogether. Often, the most helpful thing a parent can do is slow the moment down and stay curious.
Over time, these small conversations can help teens move toward something much more important than “winning” the comparison game: developing a clearer, stronger sense of who they are.
Recommended resource: Challenge Success Navigating Stress in Schools: How Adaptive Coping Builds Resilience Research Brief.
Megan Pacheco, M.A., is the Executive Director for Challenge Success. She has more than 20 years of experience helping to transform schools. She has served in a variety of roles, including teacher, school coach, and organizational leader. Prior to joining Challenge Success, she was the Chief Learning Officer for New Tech Network, a national network of schools focused on deeper learning. She is passionate about ensuring all students experience a meaningful, equitable, and inclusive learning environment. Her primary focus has been organizational leadership, school design, project-based learning, continuous improvement, and curriculum and assessment. Megan has a B.S. in Mathematics and an M.A. in Mathematics Education.
Challenge Success, a nonprofit affiliated with the Stanford Graduate School of Education, elevates student voice and implements research-based, equity-centered strategies to increase well-being, engagement, and belonging in K-12 schools.